Outsourcing Online Dating with "Assistants"

Have you ever heard of an online dating assistant? Neither had I until I read this WP article. If you're too busy, lonely or incapable of wooing a date, these guys will write the emails and IMs for you so that you can *hopefully* land a date.

While intriguing and useful, this is another example of the layers of deception that go into initiating a relationship? And if based on a lie, then what are your motives? If you're too busy to type out an email, won't you be too busy for any kind of meaningful relationship? Is this just one more step in the chain of efficiency? When it comes to authentic relationship, is this a step too far? I think so.

"For Better" - A new book on the Science of Marriage

Salon's interview of the author of the science of marriage book "For Better" makes some interesting observations about marriage, and debunks a lot of the myths about marriage, namely:
MYTHS DEBUNKED:
- Over half of marriages end in divorce
- Married couples are less likely to have sex than their single counterparts
- Fighting only makes things worse (it can actually help!)

She also says that in healthy marriages there is a 5:1 ratio of complimenting, positive things versus nagging, negative things. Sleep problems and beginning arguments with personal critiques (rather than a complaint) can be harbingers for divorce.

Read the full interview here.

DTR: The "M" Bomb

When it comes to having a DTR (Defining the Relationship), there's no biggie like to get married (eventually) or not (ever). Here's an article from the Washington Post from the author of A Little Bit Married about when to throw in the towel... or go all-in.

Pressured to Marry?

In the wake of Tiger Wood's affair(s), an interesting article that changes the question of "Why do men cheat?" to "Why do cheaters marry?" and has some interesting commentary on societal pressures to marry.

And yet, what might a Christian response be?

Survey - Leave your Feedback!

This was a wonderful experience for me and I really learned a lot - and had a ton of fun! Please take a moment to let me know what you thought of the class and what ideas you have for future classes.

Fill out the brief survey here.

Presentation Six - To Commit or Not to Commit

The final presentation is now posted in note form.

Hope it helps! It's been a wonderful class - I do appreciate all of you who came and participated in the discussion. I'll be posting a survey soon for feedback; you're also welcome to post any comments here.

Online Dating Tips

This NY Times article profiles OKCupid, a smaller but different and interesting dating website that pools data together to give online dating users valuable tips & suggestions. A NYT blog has compiled 3 crucial steps here.

Of course, I hope you use some of the suggestions in class as well. :)

Happy Dating!

The Lonely American

UTNE has an article entitled The Lonely American, which has several insights, both obvious (much higher single-person household today - 25% - than in 1940 - 7%) and not so obvious (ecological damage and mental illness), about the isolated state of many Americans and its widespread ramifications for society as a whole.

A World Grown Dull

This is a quote from the book Epic (pgs 45-47) by John Eldredge... thought it was quite profound and relevant to our class discussion.

We have grown dull toward his world in which we live; we have forgotten that it is not normal or scientific in any sense of the word. It is fantastic. It is fairy tail through and through. Really now. Elephants? Caterpillars? Snow? At what point did you lose your wonder at all?

What in nature has taken your breath away this past year?

Creation unfolds like a great work of art, a masterpiece in the making...

Let's bring this a little closer to home. Whose idea was it to create the human form in such a way that a kiss could be so delicious? And he didn't stop there, as only lovers know.

God creates us in his image, with powers like unto his own- the ability to reason, to create, to share intimacy, to know joy. He gives us laughter and wonder and imagination...

THE GREATEST DIGNITY OF ALL

He enables us to love.

He gives us the greatest treasure in all creation: a heart.

Nooma Video - Flame

Rob Bell, who's speaking this Monday night (2/15) in San Francisco at the Regency Ballroom (tickets $18), has a video series, NOOMA. We premiered one of those films, Flame, this past Fun Friday, and it ties directly into our class.

Check it out, complete with Spanish subtitles: ;)

Presentation Five - Boundaries

Tonight we spoke about boundaries. Get the notes here.

Also, for more about internet dating sites, their personality tests and matchmaking ability, I found this recent NY Times article, categorizing various dating sites aiming to be the next "Netflix of love", to be quite interesting. It gives an overview of what's out there right now in terms of matchmaking services. I don't endorse any particular site, but let us know which ones you'd recommend and why!

Internet Dating on the Rise During Recession

I found this article rather interesting, as it traces the rise in internet dating services, especially during the recession. Although the data is a year old now, it seems when people can't afford to go out and be social, they stay in and network through their computers.

We v. I

Click here for an article about how couples who say "we" more than "I" have greater levels of happiness... While I agree it's important to recognize "it takes two," it's also good to have a healthy sense of personhood apart from your S.O. (significant other) yet still in relation with him/her.

Thanks Satch!

The Art of Kissing

One thing we haven't touched upon in class yet is kissing. While you won't get a how-to here (once again, communication is key - tell your partner what you like!), I found this news article on kissing quite interesting, featuring Dr. Helen Fisher, author of last year's book "Why Him? Why Her?" and founder of Chemistry.com. While a lot of her thinking boils down to science & study, she's got some good practical points of what kissing involves.

Check this site out for more on Helen Fisher in the news, including a video of her on the Colbert Report.

Presentation Four - Sex & Sexuality

Yes, I waited until the topic of sex came around before I tagged out... but it wasn't because I didn't want to talk about it - I knew someone who would lead us through a talk not just on sex but our sexuality, and how our bodies are made in God's image and our sexuality is linked to creativity and some of our deepest desires.

Erin has graciously shared her notes with me - read them here. You'll notice this talk is not just about sex but about sexuality. To help flesh out (pun intended) why a focus on sexuality rather than sex would be helpful, I found this passage from the book How to Get a Date Worth Keeping most revealing of our society today.

I also have some notes of my own about sex - read them here. Most of my notes come from Scott Scrugg's Talks on Dating at Sanctuary, the Young Adult gathering at Menlo Park Pres.

Class Three - Communication Btwn Men & Women

The differences between women & men... let the debate begin.

Here are my notes from Class #3. (We didn't get to talk about boundaries, but I'm sure it will come up this Sunday when we talk about Sex.)

Here is my power point presentation.

And here is the Swingers clip... funny, yet quite painful:

A Bachelor's Search for Love

Here's an article in the NY Times about a 40-year-old-plus bachelor and his book Us: Americans Talk About Love. Interesting what we will do in search of love...

Is it love they're after? Or infatuation? In my opinion, Love is an Art (a la Eric Fromm's Book, "The Art of Loving," and art takes skill, hard work... and some luck.

Thanks Satchwell!

Class Two - What is Love?

View Presentation Two - What is Love?  Baby Don't Hurt Me - here.

Here is the video we watched as a prelude to our discussion.  It's from the movie "Night at the Roxbury," based on the SNL skit with Will Ferrell and Chris Katan.  Funny stuff about what love is NOT.  (Thus, not everything in the video is appropriate, just to be clear).

Sanctuary Dating Series

For those interested in listening to even more talks on dating, the Young Adult ministry at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, called Sanctuary, had a dating sermon series last May.  It's got some pretty good stuff, some of which I'll be using in our discussions ahead.

http://sanc.info/messages/series/Going_All_The_Way/

Thanks Satchwell!

Socioeconomic Status

One thing we haven't talked about in class yet is... class; social class, that is. We don't really talk about social classes these days, but there is still a difference in incomes when two people come together to date... Who pays for what? When? How? What do you think?

Here's the most recent stats on those getting married, in a WP article based on a Pew Report and US Census, along with some discussion.

Highlight: For one-in-five marriages today (that's 20%), the woman will be more educated and have the higher paying job.

The Love Equation

An interesting article on Salon.com talks about a PhD candidate in economics who comes up with an equation using (pseudo)variables about his chances of finding a girlfriend (who, by his definition, is a lady willing to sleep with him - a skewed definition, for sure).  Let's just say his chances are pretty slim.

I found this comment on the article, posted by ralafler, to be quite pertinent to the discussion:

"In our media age where everyone is surrounded by images of people who are much more attractive than average [...], people (especially men, and especially [those] who spend more time looking at images on their computers than out in the real world meeting real people), have distorted ideas of what a woman should look like to be considered attractive. They overlook dozens of available single women in their lives because they don't look like the models they feel entitled to, and then they whine that they can't find a girlfriend. Not so charming."

That's my emphasis on "people have distorted ideas of what a woman should look like to be considered attractive."  More discussion about this on Sunday.

Mark Driscoll - Peasant Princess

In last night's presentation, I quoted Mark Driscoll a bit. He is a pastor at Mars Hill in the Seattle area.  He has an interesting sermon series online called the Peasant Princess, based on the Song of Songs. Check it out if you're interested in hearing about how he interprets these passages for modern-day Christian relationships.  People tend to love 'im or hate 'im - he's not afraid to lay out what he thinks.  More on the conservative side and very relevant, relational to young adults.

Axe Commercial

Here's that Axe Commercial I showed last night, FYR (For Your Reference).

John Gottman & Unhealthy Relationships

John Gottman is a renown marriage counselor who is probably most famous for being able to predict (with up to 90% accuracy, I might add!) whether a marriage will end up in divorce or not.  You can view his website here.

According to Gottman, the four harbingers of an unhealthy relationship are:

• defensiveness
• stonewalling
• criticism
• contempt

Thought this is good information to keep in mind as we move forward.

Presentation One: The "D" Word

View Sunday's Presentation here from January 10th. 

What are your thoughts?  Comments?  Questions?  Anything you'd like to add?  Comment below.